"Not Completely Awesome"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Illusions (or delusions) of Nerd Grandeur

Ok, if you get queasy at the thought of a wannabe hacker douche, please look away now.

A very good friend asked me to fix her sister's boyfriend's infected computer (referred to hereafter as SB.) She had warned me that he was an idiot, but I was completely unprepared for what I found.

I spent a couple hours trying to clean up the data in a VM environment. Cleared off literally hundreds of infections (all sorts of trojans, viruses, and assorted malware) with a variety of tools. Still not clean. Called my friend, explained that I could wipe and restore the system in less than an hour. She checked with the SB, he said no, he had never backed anything up. I'm thinking to myself "Ok, pretty much the stupidest move possible." I tell her I'll continue to try to clean it, but no promises of actually recovering anything. Apparently when she relayed this message, SB actually cried. SB demanded that his data be restored. Again, I made no promises.

Flash forward 10 more hours of cleaning. In the process I noticed he had multiple P2P software installed, including LimeWire, Kazaa, etc. He also has a very substantial collection of porn. I try to salvage everything I can. The problem started when his Symantec went out of subscription and he failed to renew it, update it, or even go get a different free anti-virus program.

Then I put the drive back in and try to boot it. I got the following screen:

You might notice that the profile name is called Lone Wolf. Ok, pretty douchey, but still, I've seen far worse. Now look at the bottom left corner of the screen. Yes, that does say "Turn off Hacking Computer"

I saw that and panicked. OMG, after all the work on this thing so far and its still hosed! I quickly snap a photo with my crackberry in case anyone has seen this sort of thing before. I forward it to my friend, who sends it on to SB.

A few hours later I get a text back from my friend "SB says he actually NAMED his computer Hacking Computer". Uh, wow. I call her back and we're both laughing so hard we nearly pee ourselves. We were both happily picturing every REAL hacker in the world busting into this computer and anally-raping SB over and over through the Internet, just to show him what real hacking is.

Please feel free to renumber this into your own order of stupidity. Here's mine:

1. Naming computer Hacking Computer
2. Not ever backing up ANY data...for 5 years. Yeah, 5. (this is based on age of the machine and dates of files)
3. Installing P2P and porn
4. Not keeping at least one up-to-date anti-virus program running.
5. Not knowing how to clean the computer after it got infected.
6. Not just saying "Ok, I guess I'm going to lose everything" and accepting the loss as a result of your own direct stupidity.

There are also the additional segments of dumb like disabling the firewall, allowing sharing of his entire hard drive through LimeWire, etc, but you can add or delete those as you feel like.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Power Failure

Okay, I just have to let this one out. Somebody in accounting got a phone call from a person who said he was from the power company, and wanted to let us know that we're going to have a power outage during the day tomorrow. They forwarded the call to IT (why?) and the power company guy (if he really was) left a message on our help desk voice mail.

Seeing some potential for ugliness, I alerted my boss and the guy who's in charge of facilities. There was some back-and-forth, from which I politely excused myself, leaving this for those in charge to deal with.

Later in the afternoon my boss sends me an email with the subject line "Power outage." The entire text of the message is "send an email to all staff." He's in a meeting where I can't contact him. I answer the email with "OK, but what should I say?" Of course, no answer. I decide to wait 15 minutes, as it's getting late in the day. No answer. So, I send out an all-staff email that basically says we have been warned of a power outage and have no further details.

And so, an email comes back from one of the Leaders of the Org. that asks "does this mean no lights, and no computers?"

So far I have restrained myself from answering it. If no one else replies to it, I guess I'll just say "yes."

This is what is known as a Career Limiting Opportunity (CLO).

Monday, February 22, 2010

What I Like About Monday, So Far

One of our largest PITA (that ain't bread) users is giving a presentation in a conference room with her laptop hooked up to the projector in there. A large part of her show is to play a DVD for the people, no doubt the most intelligent part of the whole disaster. So, she starts playing the DVD, and there's no sound. Hm. Leave the room, run and get Me.

Have you ever played this DVD in this computer before? No. Any DVD? No. Of course this is 1-1/2 hours into a 2-hour dog&pony joke, I'm in there with 35 babbling audience members watching me trying to figure out why Windoze Media Player won't squeeze sound out of this disc.

Personally, I like to make sure stuff is going to work BEFORE I'm in front of the audience, but that's just me...

Friday, February 19, 2010

Technical Support Request

So, yesterday afternoon I was sitting behind my desk, forgot to lock and seal the door and turn all the lights off, and one of our particularly interesting users appeared in the doorway like the face of doom. She was waving a piece of paper, which, from where I was sitting, looked blank.

"Is there some way that I can write a letter and then save it so that I could use the same letter, perhaps with a few minor changes, at a later date?" (This is not an accurate quote. The real question was much more obtuse, vague, and hard to understand. I am sparing you, dear reader, many details that would cause pain.)

So, I took a deep breath and gave a general explanation of how to create and save a document, and suggested she could simply rename it each time with the date, or something like that. That seemed to interest her, but I could tell she was not satisfied.

"But when I try to type the letter, if I hit 'tab,' it goes into another one of those blocks."

Blocks?

"Are you using Word to write your letter?"

"Yes -- er, no. Excel."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

So, here at the org. we are saddled with something called "[redacted]," which the boys and girls are supposed to use for continuing education credits, to maintain various contract requirements with the gummint. [redacted] provides a website where someone with basic computer/InterWeb skills could possibly log in and navigate to an area where he/she could receive some learnin' and take a test to prove that he/she had acquired said learnin'.

Okay, so there's problems with this. First, we got that InterWeb. Apparently you gotta have the InterWeb on your computer to use this. And then there's the skills. And the navigatin'.

Lucky for us we have college-educated users with advanced degrees. Certainly such people would be familiar with basic use of the tubes, yes?

No.

The Human Racehorses department provided (via e-mail) the users with a link to the site. One of our managers replied:

neither BING nor Google could find [URL for redacted].

This is not uncommon. People come to us all the time having put something like our SSL Citrix login address into Yahoo! or AltaVista or whatever they're using, telling us that "the system is down."

I love the smell of dropped packets in the morning.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

More or LESS Comcastic..

user Guest_ has entered room

analyst Alexa has entered room

Alexa>

Hello Guest_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.

My name is Alexa.

 Please give me one moment to review your information.

Alexa>

Welcome to Comcast! How are you tonight?

Guest_>

Hi Alexa

Guest_>

I'm well

Alexa>

That's wonderful to hear! I will be very glad to serve you

today.

Alexa>

To confirm if the information that we recived is correct.

Please verify the following and let me know if there are

any incorrect data.

Guest_>

I'm curious as to what the current download/upload speeds

are that are offered in my area

Alexa>

Service Street Addr: XXXXX

Service Addr Apt:

Service Addr City: XXXX

Service Addr State: XXX

Service Addr Zip: XXXXXX

Guest_>

yes, that is correct

Alexa>

Thank you!

Alexa>

Please give me a minute to check on the internet speeds

offered in your market.

Alexa>

1. Economy with 1 Mbps download speed and

384 Kbps upload speed.

Alexa>

2. Performance with 12 Mbps download speed

and 2 Mbps upload speed.

Alexa>

3. Blast with 16 Mbps download speed and

2 Mbps upload speed.

Guest_>

that slow?

Guest_>

ouch

Alexa>

4. Ultra with 22 Mbps download speed and

5 Mbps upload speed.

Guest_>

sorry, I'm spoiled at work

Guest_>

and in my old comcast market

Alexa>

5.Extreme with 50 Mbps download speed and

10 Mbps upload speed.

Guest_>

what is the monthly pricing on extreme?

Alexa>

That would be $114.95 for internet only service

and $99.95 if you are subscribed to cable or

phone service.

Guest_>

really? isn't that the same speed as the speed

tier in WA state?

Guest_>

I think I paid $59.95

Alexa>

The speed I have provided you is for the

general D3 market which inlcudes CA and WA.

Alexa>

If you paid $59.95, you had the Performance Package.

Guest_>

I had speed tier when I worked for Comcast in

that market

Guest_>

it started at 10Mbps, went up to 25mpbs

Guest_>

I was told by my brother he's pulling 50Mbps down

Guest_>

probably because it is still a test market

Alexa>

Oh really. I do not think that is possible but we

offer High Speed Internet so the speed is way different

compared to DSL.

Guest_>

yeah, really

Guest_>

and there is better pricing for U-Verse at this point,

i just don't want AT&T in my house

Alexa>

I see.

Alexa>

As of now, we do not have any promotional offers for

internet only service.

Guest_>

here is my dilemma. I'm a gamer at home,

an IT nerd at work

Alexa>

These are the current levels of service that you can get.

Guest_>

I wanted HD DVR and Pref package as well

Guest_>

so are those speeds you told me throttled?

Alexa>

It will not affect your choice of internet service.

Guest_>

right, but it affects my initial promotional

pricing, right?

Guest_>

and are the speeds throttled?

Alexa>

Are the speeds throttled?- definitely not!

Alexa>

What do you mean by your intial promotional pricing?

Do you have an existing account with us?

Guest_>

so if I'm using my max bandwidth I'm not going to notice

a drop?

Guest_>

no, I don't, which is why it would be initial pricing

Alexa>

Of course.

Alexa>

Which promotional offer did you choose then?

Guest_>

I haven't yet, I've been asking questions to determine

what I want.

Alexa>

I see.

Alexa>

Promotional offers have terms and conditions that

have to be considered.

Alexa>

It will all depend on what promotional offer you choose.

Guest_>

yes, I know

Guest_>

I thought you were in sales

Guest_>

and are you sure they aren't throttling for any reason?

Alexa>

I am in sales, yes.

Alexa>

It is not throttling.

Guest_>

ok, so this is just heresay?

Guest_>

http://gizmodo.com/5123925/comcasts-internet-slowdown-

system-fully-armed-and-operational-and-avoidable

Alexa>

I would say so.

Alexa>

The website will let you know more about the product.

Alexa>

I can get you a link.

Alexa>

http://www.comcast.com/Corporate/Learn/HighSpeedInternet

/highspeedinternet.html?lid=2LearnHSI&pos=Nav

Guest_>

how about this?

Guest_>

http://www.dslreports.com/shownews/New-Comcast-

Throttling-System-100-Online-100015

Alexa>

This is the official website of Comcast.

Guest_>

Here's the official Comcast PDF file that

says you are throttling

Guest_>

http://downloads.comcast.net/docs/Attachment_

B_Future_Practices.pdf

Alexa>

www.comcast.com is the official site of Comcast.

Guest_>

wow

Guest_>

so what is comcast.net? Is it not the home of Comcast

internet services?

Alexa>

Comcast.net are for existing customers who are already

subscribed to Comcast.

Guest_>

wow, do you mind if I copy and paste your comments as an

example of what NOT to tell your users?

Alexa>

Not a problem!

Guest_>

Thank you very much for making up my mind for me.

I will go with ANY other company at this juncture.

Alexa>

Everything is documented. Do not worry.

Guest_>

Great, please document away. And make sure your supervisor

knows that you don't know your ass from a hole in the

ground either.

Guest_>

and have a lovely day.

Alexa>

You do thesame!

Alexa>

Take care!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Those pesky web forms

This was the entire text of a help ticket I got from a user.

"When I fill in my email address for orders on line there is a response that my email address is invalid. I would like that to be fixed."

Really? Would you like me to just go ahead and type up the entire web form for you, since you can't even correctly type your own email address?

"Not Completely Awesome"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Illusions (or delusions) of Nerd Grandeur

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Power Failure

Monday, February 22, 2010

What I Like About Monday, So Far

Friday, February 19, 2010

Technical Support Request

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

More or LESS Comcastic..

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Those pesky web forms

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